2022.01.27 15:00 Successful-Driver722 Interesting example of reinforcement learning
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2022.01.27 15:00 Least2020-2022 教你如何在英国租车全攻略！
2022.01.27 15:00 PrestigiousPin6735 Will ada hold 1 dallor support? Yes it will
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2022.01.27 15:00 SubstanceExtension69 شماره خاله شماره خاله کیش شماره خاله اصفهان شماره خاله کرمان شماره خاله اردبیل شماره خاله اهواز شماره خاله گرگان شما خاله مازندران شماره خاله بجنورد شماره خاله صیغه ساعتی ماساژ
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2022.01.27 15:00 Cherokee_Babe Mario #shorts
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2022.01.27 15:00 letdekusmash Coworker/Office mate went on vacation this week and it's making me realize how much of an outcast/social reject I am
(TL;DR at the bottom)
My coworker (let's call her "Kristen", 36F) is leaving for vacation today with her children and her mother, so she isn't at the office and won't be until the Monday after next. She's been planning it for months. Okay, no problem. She's excited, and I'm excited for her. She works hard, and she deserves to take a break and have a good time with her family.
I (25F) got used to being the only one in (my section of) the office there for a while when my other office mate passed away last year. Kristen has been here with me since August, and she is great. She's loveable and has such a radiant and loud personality. Nothing of the things I just mentioned is what is bothering me.
I'll describe this the best I can, but I don't know how coherent this is going to be because I'm writing off months of pent-up, raw emotion here:
[It's probably somewhat important to note that I am kind of the odd one out at work, and I know this. Everyone here is either married, has kids, or both, and also everyone else is over the age of 35 (minus two or three people who I am never on the same shift as). I can't relate to any of that, as my long-term relationship/engagement ended last June, and thank god we didn't have kids. I already feel like I'm on an island by myself for these reasons alone.]
When Kristen is here, everyone is in my office. Like, everyone. (Does that make me kind of jealous? Considering I have worked here longer, yes. However, she does have the advantage of knowing most people here beforehand because her husband has worked here for like 8-10 years longer than she has.) Sometimes, it's for HOURS. It's not the same people, but rather there are different people that come in and out over the course of a few hours if that makes sense, and the office is alive with noise. They come in and laugh and chat and exchange ideas, make jokes, have conversations...you get the idea. Sometimes it's too much when there are days when I have a lot I need to get done, and sometimes I do find it quite annoying. There are other days when I'm not too busy and I love the company of others. I'll admit that the former is more common than the latter, but it's never anything personal toward my coworkers as people; I just like to be able to focus on my work, which I struggle with enough having ADHD. Some days, it is EXTREMELY hard, and those are the days where silence and solitude (aside from Kristen) work best for me.
Anyway, this is the first day she hasn't been here. It's almost radio. Fucking. Silent. I don't think anyone has been in my office for more than two minutes unless they have absolutely had to be. Even people who are normally in here all the time for long periods haven't stepped foot for more than a few seconds, and that's only been to copy something or shred something.
The silence still isn't even the thing that's making me feel this way. The part that's making me feel like a fucking worthless piece of dog shit is the fact that this whole situation is so familiar.
High school was the worst time in my entire life. Without going into too much irrelevant detail, I was bullied by my so-called "friends" on a regular basis (hindsight's always 20/20) to the point where the constant insults, tearing down and, humiliation had given me low self-esteem that I still haven't overcome in my adult life. They would call me fat, ugly, tell me I was stupid, make fun of things I wore...the list goes on. I have spent years trying to rehabilitate myself into getting away from that type of thinking, and I've been trying to learn so hard to love myself through therapy and self-affirmations.
I was also always the "ugly" friend in the group. If I was with one of my female friends and a guy came up to talk to or flirt with someone, it was always them. Always. Never me. Sometimes they would even interact like that with multiple people at the same time. Still never me. On top of everything else, this was probably one of the parts about being myself that I hated most as a teenager. Maybe my friends were right and I WAS ugly, otherwise, this wouldn't have been the case, right? I would think that at least once someone would try.
I am starting to get really upset and triggered by the fact that this feels exactly like that. It's taking me back to feeling like I will never be worthy of loving, that I'm not fun, that I'm a shit person, and that I am, once again, the (albeit metaphorical) "ugly" friend in my shared office. Am I really such an insufferable bitch that I'm not worth anyone's time? It's a small office where everyone knows everyone, so am I actually that fucking terrible that I'm not worth sitting with for five minutes so that someone can take an interest in me the way they do her? Is that too much to ask from adults? Like fuck, am I always going to be a social reject who feels like I don't even deserve to be alive because I'm just an utter waste?
I'm fucking panicking. I feel like I could break down at any moment. I thought this was over. I thought THAT part of high school ended with walking across that stage and getting a diploma. I thought I was finally fitting in somewhere where I felt loved for the first time in my life, and to know that people only tolerate me so that they can be around Kristen is fucking devastating. I have done so much growing as a person since I left high school. Like...so much. I am a completely different individual, and although my sense of humor is cynical/nihilistic at times, I am one of the nicest, most caring fucking people you will ever meet. G*d dammit, I'm trying so hard...
I'm trying to convince myself that maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe everyone is just busy today. I mean it is only day one, right? But maybe I'm also not? I was ugly in high school, and maybe I'm "ugly" now? Am I just doomed to repeat this forever until I die? Would it be easier for everyone if I did?
(TL;DR My office mate went on vacation, and I'm realizing that people only people put up with me because they like to be around her. Maybe. I don't know.)
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2022.01.27 15:00 -BeefSupreme [Irfaan Gaffar] Believe there will not be any further discipline for Evander Kane from the NHL. He will be heading to Edmonton to sign with the Oilers. Announcement from league and team could come as early as today. Likely tomorrow. TimCPeel20 was on it earlier.
2022.01.27 15:00 smartybrome The Complete Course on Data Analysis and Data Visualization
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2022.01.27 15:00 justahoustonpervert Armed driver was trying to rob another driver on Katy Fwy, police say
2022.01.27 15:00 obnoxiouscheese We made a trailer for our horror, social deduction game! What do you think?
2022.01.27 15:00 ElectronicFudge5 Investigators release new sketch of Indigenous woman killed in Cowlitz County crash in 1991
2022.01.27 15:00 Interesting-Mud8419 Trading ar 41 acc looking for offters
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2022.01.27 15:00 weekend_boredom M 17 from India ,wanna be friends ? Dms are open.
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2022.01.27 15:00 moodyview RMNP views
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2022.01.27 15:00 fitgamerkassie Out my door and I see this...
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2022.01.27 15:00 VastAd7787 Week 2 in pixel style
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2022.01.27 15:00 JakSeverGaming My Closest Survival Match Ever
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2022.01.27 15:00 jrutd Found this sticker on the bus then went over to their Instagram…
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2022.01.27 15:00 Onovomasterchef Em 2018 o argumento era : tudo menos o PT
Aí elegemos esse palhaço, agora em 2022 o argumento é: tudo menos o bozo, e vamos eleger o pt de volta.
Não sou a favor nem de um nem de outro, mas me expliquem qual a lógica ?
Brasil não é para amadores
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2022.01.27 15:00 slifren Hello check my painting :) also on instagram @slifren :)
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2022.01.27 15:00 pawnee_ranger14 Chris Pratt's comeback joke.
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2022.01.27 15:00 Queasy-Cauliflower28 Who are your favorite Kurds?
2022.01.27 15:00 super_buldocek Nápad na nové video:Mith hraje na controleru
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2022.01.27 15:00 Asa_Author Epic High Fantasy. The Benjamin Jones series #1 and #2. FREE.
| Now get 1 epic adventure, or both, for free. Opt-in optional, which means you can choose to subscribe to my newsletter or not. Either way you can read #1 and #2 for free, if you haven't already. |
"The Call of The Shaman"
Click here for #1 in the epic series
"The Return of The Gods."
Click here for #2 in the epic series
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2022.01.27 15:00 slaughterthydundee Polymorph Green Man Skateboard Deck
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